reflections.

04Sep07

so one of the army wives who i’m hiding from discovered my absence.  actually it was the pregnant one from two posts down.   i didn’t think she read my stuff that often but there it is, she knows.  she asked one of my friends (an army girlfriend) where i was, haha.  hopefully she won’t discover my new hiding place, but in all probability she will, and my putting off this eventual discovery will catch up to me. 

today i had my first feelings of guilt for alienating myself thusly.  i feel like i’m being really selfish and making this all about me…which i guess i am.  do i miss the falsehood, and acting like i’m someone i’m not?  no.  i miss having something to check when i’m online, i suppose.  but you know, i usually focus so much on making other people happy that i am left feeling lonely, depressed, and unfulfilled.  i think it’s time to make something about me, for once.  i’m still feeling really….conflicted. 

it’s later.  i’m getting further from feeling guilty but it comes back every now and then.  i can’t really explain it and have it make sense so i don’t think i’ll really try right now.

R left early this morning (his time) for mission stuff and won’t get back for a week.  i’m totally used to it, or should be…at one point we went 3 weeks with no communication whatsoever.  so this should be nothing.  but for some reason it makes me sad. it’s interesting how sometimes i feel like i don’t have a boyfriend at all…not in the sense that i feel free to do whatever with whoever, but in the sense that i feel like i’m doing all of this alone.  and in a way i suppose i am…but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t or isn’t helping me, because he is.  he’s helped me so much…i probably should give him way more consideration than he’s given me since he’s the one overseas. i’m sorry darling, you’re amazing. 

last night i was in the library working with my friend.  her boyfriend goes here and they’re living together in an apartment.  she mentioned that she was stressed and wanted to get laid.  i laughed and said that if either of the two of us was complaining about not getting laid it should be me, and she said something about me owning a vibrator and that being better than getting laid.  i went into this explanation about how when you’re apart from your significant other for any amount of time things like sex come to be not just about pleasure/orgasms and such, but more about the companionship, warmth, and intimacy that comes with it.  i realized that for us making love is way more intense than it is for a lot of couples because of all the emotions involved in it.  i love this boy.  i can’t wait until we’re together again.

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One Response to “reflections.”

  1. don’t feel guilty about your choices. Being a former military wife — I totally relate to where you are coming from.

    It’s okay to think if yourself. Being a military wife is one of the hardest jobs in the military.


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