sometimes…

09Jul07

…i think it would be easier to cut myself off from everyone i’ve ever met online.  delete everything, start over.  but i can’t do that.  gotta keep up the appearance of being happy for now, i guess.  i’m not good at “cutting” people off anyway, and it’d be way too much work.

it’s mostly that i often feel like talking to people actually causes me more anguish during this deployment because of my tendency to compare.  plus the insane amounts of drama.  sometimes i think that if i just shut off my computer, hid under the covers, and dealt with this thing on my own, maybe i’d do it better.  R always says, “i don’t know why you talk to these people.”  and with some of them, i know that i shouldn’t be talking to them.  i’ve managed to sever ties with some of them (it was a mutual thing), and it’s helped…but sometimes it’s all just way too much negativity to deal with. 

i always read on xanga how these girls are like, “i’m going to be spending less time on here…” and it’s really just a ploy for attention (which is obvious, seeing as how they post a day later), and a way to get people to say “no!”  kind of like considering suicide because you’d like to think of who would care.  that’s a bit more drastic, haha.

as i write i’m convincing myself to just stop getting online, to stop reading blogs of other military wives/girlfriends.  i know it sounds selfish, but this is about me, and the problems that i feel exist.  nothing else should matter, you know?  just me.  i need to stop shouldering everyone else’s burdens, as well as the added burden of my jealousy and constant comparisons…it’s not healthy.

or maybe i’m just crazy…sometimes i’m convinced that that’s it.

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