untitled, since i’m not very creative

06Jul07

turns out R got to stay on the FOB for a few extra days.  he’ll go out again soon, but i’ve really enjoyed getting to talk to him.

over the fourth of july i hung out in eastport with my cousin, john.  i didn’t know him very well when we were kids (he’s 12 years older than i am) so it was cool sort of “reconnecting.”  i got wasted and he totally looked out for me.  it was amazing, he was my hero that night, haha.

and now here i sit again.  i was just reading an email i got from R’s brother.  i always get jealous when he talks about life with his girlfriend because they get to live together, and do all sorts of fun things that R and i can’t do because we’re so far apart.  i don’t get jealous in a malicious way, it’s more just depressed and impatient.  right now i’m so sad after reading it, and he only was talking about how he bought his lady tickets to see the blue man group and how she was completely worth the money it cost.  ugh.  i just miss R so much, i can literally feel it in my heart (i wonder why your heart actually hurts when you’re sad…).  i want that normal life, the normal worries, the relatively care-free existence.  people often tell me that my relationship “gives perspective” on their own…but i’m ready to be the one to get perspective instead of giving it all the time.  sigh.  i love R, and i wouldn’t change our love for anything…but i’m just very, very happy that this army thing is coming to an end, however slowly it is happening.

i’m just lonely.  i want to hold my boy every night, to kiss him every morning…i don’t want to worry about his safety or whether he’ll come home with some insane level of PTSD.  i love him so, so much.  more than most could ever understand.  i’m so ready to spend my life with him, to share everything with him, instead of dealing with it alone and then sharing it with him over the phone…which we all know is not the same.

now i’ll be down for the rest of the night.  sigh.

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