a blog for me.

22Jun07

i really don’t ever want to consider myself a “blogger.” really i hate that word in any serious context. i’ve blogged usually just to keep a diary going, to read back on the things that i do, etc. typically i use xanga because i’ve made a lot of military girlfriend/wife friends on that one.

but i’m realizing that talking to military wives/girlfriends, or at least 85% of them, actually makes dealing with this deployment even harder. they can be bitchy and catty and constantly competitive, and many of them can bring the absolute worst in me. i become as bitchy and catty as the rest of them, and that’s not me.

i’m very happy to know that after the next year and a half, i’ll never have to think of any of them or talk to any of them unless i want to. i’ve met a few amazing ones, but the vast majority are people with whom i would never even consider spending time. a lot are just plain idiots.

i don’t mean to sound judgemental. these observations were made after 3 years of being knee-deep in bullshit. R agrees with me and often asks why i continue to talk to them. i just don’t like being alone and at times, some of them can be helpful. i’m trying to figure it out so i don’t have to deal with the ones i don’t want to deal with, but it’s difficult. i’m not good at cutting people off, nor am i good about being honest in doing so. i hate having people hate me, even people who i know are not worth my time.

edit: bad plan: reading stories of soldiers who have died when i’m still having problems getting over R going back to iraq. but i’ve never had a “feeling” that i’ll lose him, which i’m told means that he’ll be okay. i love my boy. i need him. i don’t like admitting it, but it’s true. that boy is everything to me.

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