oh yes.


I’ll try writing with proper capitalization today. Usually I’m a grammar Nazi but for some reason I kind of like writing all in lower-case letters, at least online. I guess it differentiates it from my paper-writing, which I detest.

So we have 8 more days (I realize the countdown says 7…but when the countdown is 7 + a considerable amount of hours I just say 8. Then I can think that it’s actually less, haha). I hate that I’m not letting myself get too excited. I think once this weekend is over it’ll be better–I am going to (TRY TO) type the 8-10 page paper that is actually due the following Friday because I want to be relatively work-free when Robbie gets here. I’m having a meeting with my (very cute) professor on Friday to discuss the paper so I can start right out on Saturday morning.

Robbie is finishing up his out-processing, dutiful young man that he is. I’m amazed sometimes at how much more mature he is than a lot of people his age (army or no). He’s already saved a ton of money because he doesn’t go out a lot or buy frivolously (the boy has literally two pairs of pants and maybe 5 shirts). He’s already started trading on the stock market and has made a fair amount of money. He’s done all this out-processing with all possible speed, which isn’t that fast given the army’s hurry-up-and-wait mentality. I’m very, very proud of him. Tomorrow he gets to buy his ticket here, so cross your fingers that it goes smoothly! 🙂

I’ve been reading through military wife/girlfriend blogs lately and I noticed one where a woman talked about deleting the Iraq numbers from her cell phone. Rob has been back since November (Veterans’ Day, interestingly enough), and those numbers are still in my phone. I can’t get rid of them for some reason. They are all saved underneath his name (in various little categories) and sometimes when I scroll down to his name I hit the little right-arrow and scroll through the numbers. I don’t think I’ll delete them until I have to (i.e. if I get a new phone). It’s less sentimentality and more superstitiousness. I became absurdly superstitious when Rob was overseas, and though I’ve let go of it to a certain extent, it’s certainly still there.

I just noticed that I used parentheses a lot.

Anyway on the school front things are going relatively well. I’m losing some friends here because their priorities are changing, either boys are becoming more important or new jobs/apartments are. C’est la vie. It saddens me a bit but I suppose it’s one of those things that happens when college comes to an end. In happy news, I got Phi Beta Kappa, which is insanely exciting. I’m not sure if that is in an older post or not. Anyway I’m happy, even though membership cost $65 and if I want one of the keys I have to buy them. It looks good on the resume and, should I ever choose to go to grad school, on an application. I won’t get departmental honors for Russian because I didn’t do an Honors Project–after seeing friends that did do one, or two, I’m quite pleased that I didn’t–but I don’t think it really matters. I’m getting my degree, and I am officially an adult.

The B.C. Orchestra had our concert yesterday evening which went decently well. We all started the concert off pretty angry, since our conductor (who was trained in a Russian conservatory…that should say a lot as to his teaching methods) kept us on a “sound check” for an hour and a half. We didn’t stop doing this “sound check” until 3:58, when our concert started at 4. And he yelled at us that whole time. He blamed me for mistakes that the oboe player sitting next to me was making. I’m so glad to be done with him–he’s an amazing musician/teacher but damn is he a Russian musician.


gotta love the rocky horror reference. ^

well the work finally came down upon me. my philosophy professor assigned a 4-6 page paper (due wednesday…i shall start it tomorrow), a presentation, and an 8-10 page paper. here’s the stupid part. the presentation is a group project…we have to split up smaller parts of a broader topic and each present 5-7 minutes, then write the 8-10 page paper about what we talked about for 5-7 minutes (albeit with more research). how the hell is that even possible, heath massey?! seriously lame assignment.

but at least it’s only 16 days until robbie is out of the army and in my arms. i would be able to get excited if i didn’t have all this crap hanging over my head for the next two weeks. i’ll be so happy once this semester is over with. these next few weeks are going to be slow-going and yet extremely hectic.

rob and i found this apartment back home (online of course) that sounds gorgeous. key word “sounds.” we haven’t seen it yet. i emailed the person asking for pictures if possible and mentioned that we’d be interested in coming to see it in may, once we’re back. it’d be so much better (though a bit more expensive) than living in one of the little complexes so i’m really hoping it actually IS nice and doesn’t just SOUND nice. i know i shouldn’t get my hopes up but let’s face it, it’s kind of unavoidable.

ooh i also have a job interview coming up tomorrow. it’s for a job back in maine and it would be super close to where we plan on living, so i’m hoping it works out. i’m also hoping it works out money-wise. rob’s education will be by and large paid for so we’ll have some veteran’s benefits but i know that bills will continue to pile up. send good thoughts to the job gods for me. 🙂

anyway i suppose i best leave this, excited and anxious for what is shortly to come.

address unknown

so i found out that i might be getting rob back even EARLIER than expected, which is, if one word can describe such things, AMAZING.
this will be our first full summer we will have ever spent together.  summer 2003 he was in NC and i was at camp…we had august but that was about it.  summer 2004 was given to fort benning.  we saw each other for one 30 hour pass and then his graduation.  summer 2005 was in alaska and australia, summer 2006 was louisiana and preparation for iraq.  summer 2007 belonged to iraq, with the exception of 15 days of midtour leave in june.  but summer 2008 will be our first summer, from may (perhaps even late april…:-D) all the way to…well, forever.
i am so. so. so. so. excited.  i can’t even express it in words.
i’m still afraid of a few things.  one, that our life together will be cut short by the death of one of us, and two, that i’m going to wake up and this will all have been a dream, and actually i’m still lying in bed with him the night of our first real army goodbye, his 30-hour pass from fort benning.
i can’t even explain the desperation that trip represented to me, and represents to me even now, almost 4 years later.  when he left after our glorious 30 hours it didn’t matter how hard i cried (and believe me, i sobbed), he wasn’t going to come walking back saying that he wasn’t in the army anymore.  i realized that i was stuck doing those kind of goodbyes for the next four years, or more, if the army so decided.  and now it’s nearing an end and i just simply can’t wrap my head around it.  there’s no more desperate iraq-imposed goodbyes, wondering if it’ll be the last time i see him again.
i’m not naive enough to think that this is definitely the end.   of course he could be called up at any time.  but for now i’m going to hold on to the happiness and the hope that i’ve finally allowed myself to feel.  i’m so excited.  and i only have another month to get through.

we found out the other day that rob is getting out *much* earlier than originally anticipated. as it is, i will be with him again in a little over 2 months. for good this time. 🙂 when he told me i literally ran around the room screaming, i was so excited.

i’m in alaska right now which means that this coming sunday, when i leave, will be my final army goodbye. i can’t believe he won’t be in the army anymore–i’ve gotten so used to this type of lifestyle, with the uncertainties, the confusion, the hoping, the disappointment, the living from one leave to another. i have no doubt that this has been an integral part of our development as a couple and as hard as it was, i am extremely happy to have gone through it. i have learned so much about myself as a person and as a significant other. and i’ve learned about him as well. we’ve gone through some of the hardest things that people our age in the united states could go through. obviously not THE hardest, but damn, they were pretty difficult.

it’s just bizarre to think that all of a sudden we will become a normal couple. we’ll fight about normal things, laugh about normal things, and get to hold each other every night. i’m so excited.

i was worried before i came here–lately on the phone much has been lost in communication and it was getting exceedingly frustrating. but as soon as i got here things were the exact same, as though he had never left at all, and i knew for sure that we both need each other in sort of mutually dependent way and that will never change.

i’m in this for the long haul and i love this boy more than anything. pardon the sentiment, please.



still pretty down lately, running on auto-pilot, that’s for sure.  it didn’t help that rob and i got into this huge…well, re-understanding…last weekend.  but we’re on the same page now for the most part.  it’s interesting in a relationship when you get past the point where you think one argument will bring you down.  after five years i’m pretty damn sure that one argument, after months apart, means little in the grand scheme of things.

but still, i’ve been rather depressed.  can’t get up the motivation to do anything besides sit online, sleep, and eat.  i get it all done but it’s like some other personality takes over to do it, and then to talk about it in class.  it might be because i’m off my anti-depressants, but i’d much rather try to work through this than hop back on them.  i want to be able to love myself; i want, when i have children, to tell them to love themselves without being able to do it myself.  i don’t want to be dependent on pills.

doesn’t make this easier though.  i’m going to see rob in a little over 20 days, which is exciting, but i’m really not looking forward to the goodbye.  if i feel as ravaged after that one as i do now…i think this semester will be long and difficult.

i am trying though.

rob left today after 35 wonderful days with me.  for some reason this goodbye hit me a lot harder than usual; i think it’s because we had so much time, and we got a little preview of what life together will be like.  i hated having to say goodbye to that.  i think my mind convinced me that it was real, that he was here for good.  and he had to leave.  i kept crying and crying…all i wanted was for him to stay.

as i walked back into my room for the first time since he left i saw our two mugs from hot cocoa last night and felt a wrenching in my stomach.  i missed him so much.  then tonight i went out with four friends (2 couples) and it was miserable.  first, on the way, we couldn’t find my lap belt and i was sitting between one of the couples.  they said they’d protect me by holding hands across my legs.  so there i was, staring at them caressing each other’s hands.  then we got into the thai restaurant and the couples said they’d split their checks by twos, and i was all alone.  it actually made me cry…i had to go to the bathroom to chill out for a bit.  then we went to the movie theater and the couples were cuddling.  dammit.

but i’m getting better and i’ll see him in a month. after that i’m not sure when i’ll see him again.  at least we’re almost done with this army thing.

i’m going to go immerse myself in my favorite therapy: mst3k.



today rob and i celebrate 5 whole years together. today is what we call our “sketchiversary,” primarily because of its sketchy nature. on this day 5 years ago, i was dating rob’s best friend and had been for about 2 months. rob and i had turned into best friends over that period, and on the 28th we finally admitted to each other that we were in love. i broke up with my boyfriend and rob and i got together. i told him i loved him the first day we were together, and meant it. we’ve been going strong ever since.

i just can’t believe it’s been 5 years. when you’re young a period like 5 years seems like the longest time in the world; it’s damn near half your life. i was a much younger person when rob and i got together, and since then we’ve gone through so many things together…and we have passed each test with flying colors. we’ve had our moments of weakness and frustration (who doesn’t?) but in general…we are amazing.

lately i keep saying to him, “hey, do you realize how freaking perfect we are together?” and he’ll usually say, “i know!” it’s amazing to me the things that we don’t have to deal with when it comes to each other, the problems that are non-existent (not that i don’t make up problems in my head lol) that are existent in so many other couples i’ve seen. rob makes me so extremely happy, i’ve never been happier to tell the truth. i can’t wait to start our life together.

sigh, so happy five-year anniversary robbie james. you are my everything, and i love you.