Archive Page 2
well rob is at work right now and i am sitting in the hotel room by myself, pretty sad because i am set to leave in about 5 hours or so. but i’m trying to be strong…as you can see from the ticker above i have less than a month until i see him again, which, if you are in a military relationship, you can recognize as a relatively small bit of time.
but i’m not looking forward to sitting on a plane from anchorage to las vegas for 5 hours, or landing in chicago at 5:30 am and then getting back in time to sit through classes. i don’t want to say goodbye to my boy, a word that has been said much too often between us in the past 3 1/2 years. being with him has been amazing; it is as if i never said goodbye, as if we have been together this entire time.
but as usual, our visit must come to a close. i am trying to hold myself together but it’s hard when all i want is to wrap my arms around him and never let go. today we were in the shower and i said, “if we go to heaven i hope it’s this, just one long eternal shower together…or just lying in bed.” he said he preferred the idea of lying in bed for eternity.
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bad news bears.
it’s already starting…rob has been back in alaska for not even a week yet and already i’m getting all psychotic. he was going out to eat last night and said that he might be an hour late in calling (usually he calls at 7 pm his time–10 pm my time–because that’s when his free cell time starts) and i got scared that he’d rather be with those guys than talk to me. which is absurd, i know. i used to do it a lot when he was in alaska before the deployment. part of it is that i don’t think he realizes how late 11 or 12 can be for me…8 or 9 his time isn’t that bad so he doesn’t really think about it. so i get all crazy and demand validation. well, not “demand” so much as “whine for.”
i called him and asked for validation. he laughed and said of course he loves me, and of course he’d rather be with me than with army guys, and soon i won’t have to share him with anyone. i feel better but i still want to be with him.
it’s crazy being able to call him…i haven’t had the ability to call him in about 13 months and now all of a sudden whenever i feel like hearing his voice i can call and 8 times out of 10 talk to him. the first night he had his phone we talked for 3 1/2 hours…the second night 2 1/2 hours and the third night 1 1/2 hours. hopefully tonight we’ll talk for awhile but it’s possible he’ll be sleepy and will want to go to bed.
we had a long talk about the deployment and the effect it had on both of us. he told me all the stories that he didn’t want to tell me while he was in iraq for fear that it would completely ruin my psyche. turns out he was, as always, completely right. essentially, my boyfriend should be dead. he had the reputation as being the guy that should be dead. if certain things had been different, he would be gone. he believes that the little stuffed raccoon i gave him (i had it when i was a kid while i was sick) is what saved him. he wants to get a tattoo depicting the raccoon as his protector. i’m just so happy he’s okay.
i’m going to visit him next thursday (thanksgiving). i’ll only be there for 4 1/2 days which kind of sucks, but i’ll see him again less than a month afterward for 5 weeks. another girlfriend is flying into alaska tomorrow and is staying until the following monday…i’m jealous because she’ll be there for so long, but her boyfriend isn’t going to get the full 5 weeks of winter leave and he’ll be in the army for another 2 years or so, so i shouldn’t let it bother me.
it’s amazing how differently my life is shaping up to be in comparison with my college-aged friends. rob and i were talking today about how set we’ll be, both financially and relationship-wise. our plan right now is to move to farmington and to find somewhere to live, then i’ll get a job and he’ll start school. we’ll both have cars, we should be able to find an apartment that’s cheap, and we’ll be together. just shows me that all the pain, suffering, and waiting actually will pay off. i can’t wait.
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and other crap.
so my boy leaves the middle east very soon, and i couldn’t be happier. except maybe if i knew i was going to see him as soon as he got back to the base. but just having him in the states will be good…no more worrying to the same extent, no more checking out http://www.icasualties.org/ to see if anyone from his region was killed…man, i’m almost getting nostalgic.
sunday made a 13-month deployment, and i can’t believe that it’s almost over. i have no idea where in the hell that time went. and i wonder if i could’ve possibly taken several years off of my life with all the worrying and intense emotion. i hope he doesn’t have to do it again, but if he did, i know we’d make it. but it seems now like the idea of our lives together isn’t so distant and unachievable. it’s actually going to happen…one year from now, i will be living with him in an apartment somewhere in maine, deliriously happy every day to wake up to his smiling face and crushed to have to leave him for the day. disgustingly, sickeningly in love. i can’t wait.
a few weeks ago i said to him, “let’s walk through a typical weekend when we live together.” and we sat there for a bit talking about all the things we’d do…going shopping together, lying around and watching mst3k and other movies, taking naps, decorating our apartment…it just all sounded way too good to be true. i still feel like something has to come between us and the life we plan to lead together, because i’ve spent so long saying, “only __ more years to get through,” and taking each day at a time. trying to put on a happy face when i didn’t feel very happy, and forcing myself to do things to keep my mind off of missing him. there are times when i’ve asked myself if i’ve missed out on any college experiences because of my boy, and undoubtedly there are some who think i have. when it comes to relationships in general, though, i am a bit of a fatalist…interestingly this doesn’t really carry over to other parts of my life. but with my relationship i think that all things have happened as they should. rob joined the army and it was a necessary evil…we have become stronger and stronger for having been apart and i think it was a bit of a test to show us how deep the love we have for each other is. him being in the army and us being apart has stopped me from doubting things so much and has fostered a kind of independence. so in my mind, this WAS all part of my college experience. and honestly i think i did a damn good job with it all.
sigh. the other day i met with my journalism advisor who asked for copies of some pieces i wrote for a class i took with him in spring ‘06. he said he wanted to use them as examples for his class next semester, which was pretty cool, and then he emailed me saying i should try to get them published because “they deserve to see print.” that’s my ego-booster for the day. 
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interesting.
for some reason people often come to me with their relationship issues. i still haven’t quite figured out why this is. i’ve had two good friends come to me repeatedly with problems in their relationships and later tell me i should be a relationship therapist.
i feel bad writing this because i don’t want to sound like i’m being immodest or conceited…it’s just something interesting that i felt like writing about.
i guess i don’t really understand why these people enjoy my advice except that i’m very common-sensical in my reactions to their problems. i’m lucky enough to not have to deal with bullshit in my relationship, so i encourage others not to give or take bullshit. in my mind i guess i’m very practical. if the relationship doesn’t make you happy, it won’t. it’s as simple as that. if you’re trying to fill a void in yourself with a relationship, i think you’re doomed to have problems because you are expecting another person, who has voids in his or her own life, to fill the void in your life. people aren’t perfect, and when we try to get another person to complete us that person is almost inevitably doomed to fail. i think a relationship should be a glorious addition to life, rather than a substitute for something else that is missing, like self-respect or self-esteem.
i don’t know why i’m writing this, i just find it interesting the way that human beings deal with their relationships. people will throw aside all horrible aspects of a person because they so desperately want to be happy…and how can you blame them? i think we’re all guilty of it at one time or another. love truly is blind in that sense. it just makes me sad when people deal with repeated abuse (emotional, physical and/or mental) because they feel like the relationship they have is all they’re ever going to have.
you have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.
i’m very lucky to have a boy who was willing to understand that. i started our relationship doubting that we’d last, doubting that he’d actually stick by me. but he did. he refused to back down even when i was at my worst. but because he handled me at my worst, he’s also seen me at my best. few people in my life can say they’ve handled both…really it’s just my boy and my family. lots of people have seen me at my worst and have left, because it was too much trouble. the people who stick around are the ones who mean something…and my boy has repeatedly proved that he means more than i can say. i am so lucky.
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saturday
i am sitting at my computer with a mug of swiss miss hot cocoa mixed with a little bit of peppermint schnapps (which is quite tastey, i will add), mystery science theater 3000 “the teenage strangler” going on behind me…i’m quite content. i didn’t get much done today…not enough to actually justify saying i got a lot done but enough that i feel at least a little bit productive.
i created a blog for a new project i am undergoing. basically, i will take one picture every day and post it on this blog with a short explanation as to its significance. the blog is found here and i encourage anyone who actually reads this to check it out and comment. so, basically just you, M.
R will be back in alaska within the next 10 days or so, which makes me so incredibly happy. i can’t believe this deployment is winding down; at the beginning i felt like it would never end, but we’re finally finishing up. one thing i’m endlessly thankful for is the fact that R and i have had none of the typical problems that many military couples have during a deployment. i attribute this mostly to the fact that my boy is absolutely amazing and strong whenever i’m not. but i think a lot of it is how we work together, and how we compliment each other. he really is like an extension of myself. i’ve said before how being with him is similar to being with myself…not in that he’s vacuous, but in that he just completely understands me and we flow together so insanely well. i tell you, this boy is my soulmate.
i was looking at classes for next semester. looks like i’ll be taking a russian culture class, a russian lit class, and a race theory class…plus i’ll also be meeting with my two major advisors (olga and donna) to write an honors thesis about anton chekhov. yeah, i didn’t want to do that but i got guilted into it. sigh. it’s only 25 pages though, and it’s in english, so i don’t think it’ll be too bad. still makes me pretty nervous though.
oh and tomorrow (well today, since it’s past midnight) is me and rob’s 4 year, 10 month anniversary.
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pittsburgh.
so i just got back from PA a few days ago and i had an ABSOLUTE BLAST. it was so much fun. recap:
thursday morning at around 11 am i got there and we drove back to adrienne’s house. the day was pretty chill, we ate lunch with her daughter (14 months), did a little bit of shopping, ate dinner, watched CSI…overall a good day. but then that night gabriella screamed literally the entire night…i think she slept a total of 2 hours maybe. i got more sleep than adrienne did since she kept bringing gabriella back and forth…but we still woke up pretty sleepy.
on friday we decided to go see the bodies exhibit in the science museum. this exhibit consists of actual human bodies that are preserved super-well so you can see all the organs, muscles, etc. they had different rooms for different body systems, so some bodies had the organs of the digestive system exposed, some the circulatory system, and so on. the circulatory system was really crazy, the veins and arteries were intact and suspended in this fluid…they looked ridiculous intricate and i wish i could’ve taken pictures. the best part in my opinion was the fetal development part, where they showed fetuses from 4 weeks up to 28 weeks. they also showed the bodies of babies with spina bifida and cleft lip. it was amazing to see. haha in the nervous system part the air conditioning flipped on, and on one body this one nerve was flapping in the wind. pretty gross actually, haha. adrienne and i were acting like a couple of little girls because we kept laughing at the exposed penises on the bodies. ooh also they had a part showing what a smoker’s lungs looked like; they said that every pack a person smokes takes approximately 2 hours and 25 minutes off of a person’s life, and they had a container where you could throw your cigarettes away. very very fascinating, i highly recommend it.
friday night we also decided to get drunk, which we did, and it was wonderful. we drank cheap nickolai vodka with cranberry juice, and when we ran out of cranberry juice we went for the juicy juice punch which, with vodka, is quite delicious. anyway we got pretty drunk and called my friend ryan (i’m kind of trying to hook him and adrienne up…), who was also drunk. we also called adrienne’s ex which, if you knew the story (long and drawn-out) was not the best of plans. luckily he didn’t answer and i hung up as soon as i heard his voicemail. we also did some crazy myspace surveys, i should go back and save those actually because they were pretty hilarious. we went to bed at around 2 or 2:30…i threw up which sucked but i felt a lot better.
saturday morning brie woke us up at 7:30 and we kept begging her to go back to sleep haha. adrienne kept saying, “gabriella, nickolai was over last night.” haha. we took a nap at around 9:30 am and brie slept until 11 or so…we slept as well. we decided to go over to adrienne’s grandparents’ house…they are super-sweet and made us lunch. they love brie (they watch her every monday when adrienne is in class) and they were chasing her all around. it was adorable. her grandfather gave us $50 so that was nice. we went out to eat for dinner and i managed to convince adrienne to go to an indian restaurant…she’d never eaten at one before and she loved it, as did gabriella actually. this is a step in my attempts to hook adrienne up with ryan because ryan LOVES indian food to a ridiculous extent. wink wink.
we also rented “blades of glory” on saturday night, it was pretty hilarious. we went to bed at 11:30 or so, then had to get up at 3:30 to head to the airport. i was so nervous, i hate air travel and i hate having to make connecting flights. but when i got there the woman said that a direct flight to o’hare had seats and she could move me. i was so happy because i didn’t have to connect and it would get me back to o’hare, and beloit, a lot sooner. so the flight went by fast because i fell asleep…my head kept flopping all around so i’m sure i was quite funny to watch. then i got into o’hare and just managed to catch the 7:30 bus back to beloit (if i hadn’t have caught it i would’ve had to wait until 8:30 or so). it was a great trip…i’m so happy to have gone and so bummed to be back.
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your mom goes to college.
i got myself into more army wife drama somehow. basically i said something to this army girlfriend and it got misconstrued into something it wasn’t, then another wife told her husband what i said and he got upset and told another boyfriend of a friend of mine, who then went to rob about it. i’m seriously done with these girls. the one who i said the thing to seemed different but now i’m realizing that she’s no different. i shouldn’t have to censor everything i say…people who are my friends should be willing to tell me when i’ve stepped over a boundary, or take into consideration my sense of humor when i say something stupid. fuck it. i know who my true friends are and i need to focus on that.
i have done nothing these past few days. i’m going to pittsburgh on thursday and i thought i’d have so much done by now. but i just can’t get myself into my work…fuck, this is my vacation! i should be relaxing, dammit! oh well. i did finish my spanish diarios yesterday so that was a step forward. i still have to start my philosophy paper at some point, do my sociology assignment, russian readings/essays…i think i’ll have time to do those things in pittsburgh and when i get back on sunday afternoon. and tomorrow.
robbie left for a week so we won’t talk until this weekend. it made me really sad and i kind of went crazy for a sec on the phone about the army. i’m just so emotionally exhausted and i really don’t want to have to wait to talk to him or be with him. god i miss that boy. on the 18th it will be 4 months since i’ve seen him, which really isn’t that much but still. ready for this deployment to be fucking done with.
the army girlfriend i mentioned above told me yesterday that i talk too much about rob and she can’t get a word in edgewise about her boyfriend, and also that i make rob sound like he’s better than everyone. this goes back to not having to censor myself.
i’ve felt shitty all day and took 2 naps. something interesting about me: when i am feeling sad or depressed i usually sleep with the pillow over my head..kind of a “hiding” thing i think.
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ridiculous.
so a close friend of mine, who i’ve never actually met in person (we’ve been friends for years through a military support site), has performed another act of insane stupidity.
a little background info.
she was planning to go to college several years ago but got scared and married a marine instead of dealing with college. he ended up being an asswipe (as many marines, and indeed military men in general, are) and she left him. divorced at age 20. since then she’s gone through a series of guys, all of whom seemed pretty amazing but inevitably turned out to be douches.
a little while ago she met a guy who was soon leaving for cuba. they got together shortly after he left, which was about 3-4 months ago or so. hadn’t even kissed or anything. so the entire relationship up to this point has been long distance. he came home two weeks or so and today they got married. MARRIED. they hardly know each other! and she’s going to iraq in several months!
i know she’ll expect me to at least feign happiness, but i refuse. i am done dealing with this. this is by far the most childish act i’ve ever seen in my life (except for another army wife i know who got married at 16 after knowing her husband for about 7 months and who is now pregnant, and whose husband also cheated on her) and, at the risk of sounding like a bitch, i’ve lost a lot of respect for her. i’m really disappointed…i thought she’d learned her lesson. i’ll probably lose her as a friend but at least i will have been honest.
finished my spanish paper, taking the rest of the night off.
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weak!
i gave in and started writing on my old xanga. i’ll probably delete it soon though…part of me doesn’t want to because it’s older; i have stuff on there from ‘05. maybe when R gets out of the army i’ll delete it in a sort of catharsis….a symbolic act, if you will.
this one army fiancee i talk to, the one who was super insensitive when R was injured last year, was bitching on her xanga because they’re letting the married guys come home first. she even said, “way to punish those who didn’t rush out and get married before a deployment.” stupid. i don’t understand why these people think like this…the guys have to come home in a staggered fashion, and someone has to be first, and someone has to be last. so it sucks for you that your boy is coming home last, but it’s gotta be someone, and they might as well let the guys who HAVE people at the base (i.e. wives and kids) come home first. stop being so damn selfish…if your boy wasn’t coming home last it’d be someone else that would be sad. so suck it up. put on your big girl panties and fucking deal with it. they’re all getting leave at the same time, and they’ll all be home within weeks of each other.
this other girlfriend i talk to has been bitching because her boyfriend is going to be one of the last to come back to the U.S. this girl loves to suffer (like the russians, hahaha) and loves to be miserable…i’ve tried to tell her that it sucks but that she can’t let it eat her alive. she says that R is coming home early and the implication is that i don’t “get” what she’s feeling…she said that i’d feel the same way if R were one of the last to come back. i really don’t think i would be…this isn’t due to the army being stupid, this is necessary. they can’t all come back at once, that would be ridiculous. i don’t know, i just need to cleanse myself of people who are determined to be miserable. i have lots of friends (mostly ones i’ve met through this army experience) who are like that…always playing the victim. guess what girls, you knew exactly what you were getting into with this army thing.
which goes onto something else. the army fiancee i mentioned…her boy was apparently going to be a lifer but has decided not to reenlist, mostly because of her. here’s how i see this. you get with a guy, you can figure out within the first few years if he’ll reenlist. i don’t think it’s fair to expect him to change his plans or sacrifice what he wants for you, in the same way that the reverse is true. i have no idea what this guy will be doing if he’s not in the army. meh. i’m just glad that R isn’t reenlisting, he’s never even considered reenlisting…lucky for me, because he’ll be mine forever and i never need to share him with the army again.
i’m really lonely tonight. i wanted to hang out with emma and saul but they’re hanging out with this vegan speaker as well as another vegan friend, and i feel like i’d be really out of place. so here i sit, watching mst3k, my favorite therapy.
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i am exhausted. emotionally, physically, mentally.
i have a lot of work this semester and though it’s great to keep busy…i just feel so worn down. i’m irritable and miserable. i’m in a sort of “funk” i guess, for lack of a better word. this deployment is ending slowly, as is my senior year, and i have no idea what i’ll be doing for the rest of my life or if i’ll ever get a job or make enough money to survive. i’m so worried about money. i always worry about money.
i just want to crawl into bed and have a good cry…i haven’t had one in awhile and i’m probably due.
i know i sound all depressed and lame…i know how much that sucks, believe me. and i’m sure i’ll feel fine in a week or two. i’m just not doing well right now.
on the upside of things…R told me on the phone that he is due back a week earlier than we originally expected, which is glorious news. he may even come to visit me at school if he can get some time off before leave. might not happen, so i shouldn’t get my hopes up.
i just want to see my boy again. i don’t think that’s too much to ask at this point, sigh.
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